A Catholic Autistic

“Keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. Bind them upon your heart always; tie them about your neck.” -Proverbs 6:20-21

I have a really hard time with verses like this they refer to my father and mother because I take things literally. My father is not a good guy. We’re estranged from one another and I well absolutely not obey his commands. My mother means well but she is easily led astray.

Who is my father? Who is my mother? Not these human parents. My father is God alone. My mother is his bride. I can trust them to lead me, to watch over me, and to light my way.

I am not an orphan. I am not forsaken. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and a mother who draws me to Him.

This seems like such an autistic question to ask. Who do you want me to be? I thought that my whole life in my relationships with people. It’s the essence of masking, I suppose. I could elaborate more on this and what it looks like in my life but that’s not why I come here today.

I sat in prayer this morning, wrestling with myself, with my identity, with who I’m meant to be… asking God that very question. Who do you want me to be? Because He is the one who really knows me, He created me, He formed me in my mother’s womb, with a purpose for my life. He is the one that I long to please.

I put it all out there, these internal conflicts that I’m having, these areas where I feel like I’m failing, where I don’t know if I am supposed to be this kind of person or the other. And then I turned to Him in the Scriptures and He reminded me that his desire for is that I believe in Him. He does not condemn me. He came to save me. He wants me to be a believer.

I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.

I have been seeing posts online about the various emotions people have regarding autism diagnoses- their own or their children’s. Someone will express thoughts or feelings and a commenter will respond with an assessment or criticism of the person’s feelings.

This can go in a variety of ways. (Be aware that the following examples contain possible triggers.) Sometimes it’s something like this:

Person A: I see autism as a gift. Being autistic enables me to care deeply about things that interest me and I love that I feel things intensely.

Commenter: Autism isn’t all sunshine and rainbows! It can be really hard for me when my child is having meltdowns or is hyperactive. I love my child but I don’t think autism is a gift. I wish things were different.

But, other times, it is something like this:

Person B: I am feeling really sad about this diagnosis. I have a sense of loss at what might have been. I don’t know how to go on like this. I am so overwhelmed. I wonder what went wrong.

Commenter: It’s terrible for you to say that. That is a horrible ableist mindset. Imagine how your child feels. Imagine what it must be like to live in a world that is confusing, frustrating, loud, and scary for you all the time and then imagine you get in trouble for feeling that way! Don’t be such a martyr. Think of your child first.

There are so many thoughts and feelings going on in each of these examples and the commenters’ responses. My intention here is not to analyze what each person said, why they said it, or how I feel about what was said. My intention here is much more simple. I want to say this.

Your feelings are valid.

Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid if you are angry or sad or happy or confused or disappointed. Your feelings are valid. Your experience is valid. You can feel that way.

That doesn’t mean that all feelings are good. It means that all feelings are real. It means that it is okay that you feel that way. It is okay even if you also desire to feel differently.

It means that it is valid for your neighbor to feel completely different than you do in the same situation. It is also valid for you feel angry and frustrated with that neighbor for feeling so differently than you.

I believe that all feelings are valid. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are just feelings. They are entirely different than right or wrong thinking which we can talk about another time.

You are a unique and unrepeatable person. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings upholds the dignity of who you are.

Allowing others to feel their feelings is loving your neighbor as yourself.

You came into the world

and I am forever changed

Life will never be the same

You are mine.

Happy birthday to the one who makes everything new again. We love you.

I had no idea that dancing, spinning, twirling, and skipping could be stimming behaviors. I have been told that I twirl sometimes and I don’t always realize it. I sometimes have a desire to skip or dance when I’m feeling good, when I’m happy and secure…

The more I reflect on my experiences, the more it seems that I have an innate desire to stim in these ways. I usually refrain when I can because adults don’t typically skip and twirl. I am glad to know that this is actually a good part of me.

I want to embrace my unique expression of feelings. I want to sincerely dance like nobody is watching and not worry that I will be thought weird.

The truth is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There is nothing weird about my unique and unrepeatable soul. I am free to be who I really am without judgment or condemnation.

That gives something to dance about.

“I tried to be brave but the rain keeps falling.”

This resonated with me today.

I know the ache in my heart is actually because of the grieving process I am going through but being autistic intensifies my experience.

Click here for The Rain Keeps Falling by Andrew Peterson.

I find comfort in putting myself before Jesus and being with him in the rain. The rain falls but I am not alone. I can feel him with me.

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” -John 14:27 NKJV